And then I read on...the crisis of faith requires ME to make major adjustments to align myself to God's will so that I can do the work He has for me. Again, anger and bitterness rear their ugly heads...why do I have to change? Why can't God change His plans and have me do something different? Why can't He see how much I am hurting and fix it? Why doesn't He change the situation so it's easier for me to change? And I realize how far I still have to travel this road with Him. Honestly, my faith sometimes seems so superficial. How can I call myself a Christian while I am still struggling with these basic tenets of faith? If I don't truly believe He is good, then I believe He is spiteful. And if I don't truly believe everything works together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, then there is no purpose...my life is random and meaningless...which is very possible. When faced with this ugliness in me, I am ashamed and embarrassed to call myself a Christian. And then the cycle starts again...in my self-absorption and near-sightedness, I become angry and jealous because life is (*seems*) easier and better for others...and then I berate myself for not being a good Christian girl...and it never ends. If only there were a switch in my brain to re-boot the system.
But, a tiny voice whispers, But God can transform you if you will let Him! What is it that you are not surrendering? That you think is so precious that you cannot trust it to God, who loved you so much He sent His Son in exchange for you? And I realize, over the years I thought I surrendered everything to Him...and I realize I have only surrendered pittances...trivialities that meant nothing in the long run...I have kept the one thing He wants because I am too afraid to let Him have it? What if He breaks it? And I realize, that by keeping my heart from Him, I have been breaking it myself. My heart knows where it belongs...hidden in Him and my clutching it to me has caused cracks, bruises, and scars. If I give it to Him there's the possibility that He will also break it, but He's also the only One who can put it back together again and make it something of beauty.
Not really sure how this is supposed to look, but I'm guessing there will be lots of tears in the dark, at my house all alone, with my friends in public places, and maybe even in my classroom. So I'll ask for a little grace and an encouraging word as I surrender this heart and try not to take it back.
"There's a crack in everything-that's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen