Romania...just saying the word brings my heart joy. I have no rational explanation for anyone who asks, "Why do you love it there?" Honestly, I don't love it "there." I love the people I have met "there," I love what God has shown me "there," I love how God has changed me "there." I have said this many times, "Inima mea este in Romania." My heart is in Romania. I don't think I have ever been in a place where my heart is so at peace except in Romania. |
This last time, God stripped away my need to be in control. It was hard planning the classes halfway around the world when we didn't know who would be in class. I didn't have access to the lessons until I arrived in Brasov. My desire to control everything and for everything to be perfect was completely taken away. Let me tell you, that was scarier to me than being sick. I am already insecure about my abilities. But God worked through my fears and made the English club amazing. The students who came are precious to me and are in my prayers every day!
As I process going back, there are lots of things going through my mind. There is one, however, that frightens me...Is my desire to go back a desire from God or a desire to experience that "mountain-top" experience? I do believe the desire is of God. I just am not sure how, when, or for what purpose I will go back. I do want to move there. But, I want God's will more than mine. So for now, I will go during the summer and do whatever work He places in front of me.
I have been reading some good books lately. For those who know me well, know that I can read a book in an afternoon. But the really good books challenge me so it will often take me months to read them...reading a bit, processing it, meditating on it, comparing it to what it says in the Bible... One of those books is In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. I have been reading it for most of a year...a little at a time. When I picked it up this afternoon, I couldn't remember where I stopped last time, so I flipped around a bit. I came to the chapter titled "Guaranteed Uncertainty." It opens with a quote from Oswald Chambers, "To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is usually said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation."
I don't know about you, but I know I am uncertain in all my ways, but not because I am certain of God. I am certain of God's love and desire to have relationship with us (me), but often I am afraid to ask Him what He desires of me...because I am afraid that if I know, I will be expected to do it. I forget that He will provide and go before me. Later in this chapter, there is a section titled "You Can't Plan Pentecost." Here's a quote: "We focus our energies on telling God exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. In fact, we repeat ourselves over and over again just to make sure God didn't miss any of the important details. But what if, instead of spending all our energy making plans for God, we spent that energy seeking God?" He goes on to describe the day of Pentecost...it started out as a routine day but ended in a most unusual way: violent wind, tongues of fire, filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, 3000 people baptized and commissioned to go to every corner of the world. And, to quote, "There is no way they could have predicted what was about to happen. You can't plan Pentecost. But if you seek God for ten days in an upper room, Pentecost is bound to happen."
Here's the quote that has me thinking and praying and putting down the book, "What I am trying to say in a nice way is this: We're control freaks. But faith involves a loss of control. And with the loss of control comes the loss of certainty. You never know when a five-hundred-pound lion may cross your path. And faith is the willingness and readiness to embrace those uncertainties. [...] Faith is embracing the uncertainties of life. It is chasing down lions that cross our paths. It is recognizing a divine appointment when you see one. Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation."
So, I would ask that those of you who read this and who believe in the the power of God and prayer, to prayerfully lift up my desire to go to Romania and my fearful heart. Maybe the reason many of you keep asking if I am moving to Romania this summer is because it seems like I know what God wants me to do, but I am afraid to do it. Maybe my heart knows where it belongs, but my head is afraid because of all the uncertainties.