I feel like Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride...Vizzini cannot believe the Man in Black is catching up to him and he keeps saying, "Inconceivable!" Finally, Inigo says, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." I feel like that about the word BALANCE. I've used it for most of my (nearly) forty years on the planet (well, at least thirty of those years...) and I am not sure I know what it means...or maybe, more accurately, it means something different than I think it does. I keep thinking, "If I could just get some balance in my life, then............." You can fill in the blank..."then I'd be married, then I'd be thinner, then my house would be cleaner, then I wouldn't sin so much, then I'd be a better teacher..." and on and on the list goes.
Since my dad (Dr. Ehler, by the way) says we have to define our variables (or terms), I thought I'd look up the definition of balance...WOW. Who knew there were 29 definitions and 2 idioms about the word balance (at least according to dictionary.com)??? Seventeen separate definitions for balance as a noun, eight as a verb that needs a direct object, and four as a verb without a direct object. No wonder I wasn't using it correctly.
Just for your edification, here are four interesting definitions of balance (all from dictionary.com):
1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
2. to estimate the relative weight or importance of; compare.
3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
4. to waiver or hesitate
And I realized, I am NOT balanced, in any positive sense of this word. Sadly, I am balanced in the negative aspects of the word. Again, in the immortal words of Inigo, "Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up."
1. I am not in a state of equilibrium...in any area of my life, especially my weight and the amount of things I own. My weight fluctuates ALL the time and I wish I could attribute that to being a woman...however, it's because I cannot, um, balance the food that goes into my mouth. I own lots of things because I thought they would, um, balance my life...make cooking easier, cleaning faster, having company more fun. And, yet, all they have done is creating more stuff and, um, less balance.
2. I am pretty balanced, however, when you look at the second definition. I, um, balance myself compared to others and find myself like King Belshazzar: Weighed, measured, found wanting (Daniel 5). Enough said.
3. I am not mentally steady or emotionally stable. This whole blog thing should clue you into that. My habits are not of calm behavior or judgment. My habits are, um, unbalanced: jumping to conclusions, put food in my mouth to stuff the emotions, and my behavior is as far from calm as it can be.
4. Wait! Wait! I am balanced! I *DO* waiver and hesitate! I have been using the word correctly...but sadly, not in the way I thought I was using it.
As I reflect on all these things I am not, I realize, it's ok. Well, it's not, but I don't have to be perfect. Why? Because God is transforming me into His image. And, He is balanced. Again, let me 'splain.
1. God is my equipoise. A word, that before Thursday night, I did not know. It's synonym is counterpoise...another word I did not know. But God counterpoises me: He balances me "by an opposing weight; counteract by an opposing force. (again, dictionary.com)" The weight of His glory balances me...and His Holy Spirit is a force working in me to oppose, um, me. Well, my sinful nature. Isn't that amazing?
2. Even though I feel like King Belshazzar: weighed, measured, and found wanting (I don't mean I lost weight this week), I realize my feelings have nothing to do with me being balanced. I am complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10), even being made perfect in Christ (Colossians 1:28).
3. God is also emotionally stable and mentally steady; balanced. His love for me never changes, even when I am unbalanced. Psalm 136 continually reminds me, "His love endures forever." Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
4. Being unwavering is also possible in Christ. Not knowing what to do is one thing, but hesitating and waivering is, for me, being scared and insecure, ultimately not trusting the only One who is trustworthy. One of my favorite verses to combat this is Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in you." Did you know trust is the antonym of hesitate...which is a synonym of balance???
So, now that I have processed this idea of balance TWICE (and believe me, this is a clearer blog than the other one was...), I realize again...some more...still...that I am not balanced and I certainly don't have to have all the answers...but I belong to the One who does. He is the One leading me on this path and He knows where it is going. I have to be willing to join Him and trust Him. He will give me what I need, more than I need, because that is Who He is...loving, compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in love, desiring a broken spirit and a broken and contrite heart...Those I have!
I hope this blesses you...I know I need to write this...maybe no one needs to read it. But if you are reading this, I pray a blessing over you...May His face to shine upon you and give you peace (Numbers 6).