I got off the phone last Thursday with one of my precious American friends that I met in Romania. I love listening to him laugh and his way of connecting my random thoughts to the awesomeness of God! (I don't know the proper etiquette about using names in blogs, so I will just use his first name...) Steven, this amazing young man, has such a love for God in his heart and soul it just bursts out of him. I think that is what connects us...across miles, ages, genders, families, etc...but the fact that we both love and want to serve God makes those differences disappear. We haven't gotten to talk in a while...a LONG while...so today he got to listen to me and tomorrow I will get to listen to him. :)
While talking to Steven, I realize more and more how much I short-change God and question His will and plan for my life. I don't (usually) do it willfully, but I realized today how selfish I really am. These past weeks have been difficult for many reasons. First, I am human and weak and sinful. That's hard to say (not hard to believe...but hard to say). I have struggled more this week being alone than I have in the last few days...pun intended. It's like I have to keep coming to terms with being patruzeci (40), single, and no children. It's a (bad?) dream I keep waking up in. And, then I start asking, "What's wrong with me?" And there is no good answer. Someone might say, "Everything. That's why you need a Savior." Another might say, "It's because we live in a fallen world." Yet another might say, "It's the enemy searching...to devour...to kill...to steal...to destroy your faith." And all are true. I realized, painfully, that often in the first few minutes (or hours, or days) or a problem, my first reaction is, "How am I going to deal with this?" My first reaction is rarely, "God, help me!" or "God, what do I need to learn though this?"
This week was another one of those times. Lots of things seemed to be roadblocks in my preparations for Romania. Money seems to be the biggest one...but what do I do instead of turning to the One who owns everything? I fret and worry. But, when I turn it over to God and ask Him to take care of everything...I get calm and can think straight. And, He's blessed me with a few people who have helped take the burden away...in completely amazing ways.
Since there are just 28 days left, I am going to do my best to continue to seek God's will and let Him be in charge of this trip, that I would come alongside Him, rather than selfishly demand that He come alongside me in this endeavor. Please, please continue to pray that my heart would be transformed into His likeness and that I would be still and know that He is God.
While talking to Steven, I realize more and more how much I short-change God and question His will and plan for my life. I don't (usually) do it willfully, but I realized today how selfish I really am. These past weeks have been difficult for many reasons. First, I am human and weak and sinful. That's hard to say (not hard to believe...but hard to say). I have struggled more this week being alone than I have in the last few days...pun intended. It's like I have to keep coming to terms with being patruzeci (40), single, and no children. It's a (bad?) dream I keep waking up in. And, then I start asking, "What's wrong with me?" And there is no good answer. Someone might say, "Everything. That's why you need a Savior." Another might say, "It's because we live in a fallen world." Yet another might say, "It's the enemy searching...to devour...to kill...to steal...to destroy your faith." And all are true. I realized, painfully, that often in the first few minutes (or hours, or days) or a problem, my first reaction is, "How am I going to deal with this?" My first reaction is rarely, "God, help me!" or "God, what do I need to learn though this?"
This week was another one of those times. Lots of things seemed to be roadblocks in my preparations for Romania. Money seems to be the biggest one...but what do I do instead of turning to the One who owns everything? I fret and worry. But, when I turn it over to God and ask Him to take care of everything...I get calm and can think straight. And, He's blessed me with a few people who have helped take the burden away...in completely amazing ways.
Since there are just 28 days left, I am going to do my best to continue to seek God's will and let Him be in charge of this trip, that I would come alongside Him, rather than selfishly demand that He come alongside me in this endeavor. Please, please continue to pray that my heart would be transformed into His likeness and that I would be still and know that He is God.